You don’t need a stylist to tell you that fashion and Indian men do not go hand in hand. Most of us know as much about fashion, as chalk knows about cheese. When it comes to fashion, we often take inspiration from Bollywood, but that, until recently, didn’t help either. Did you know that the concept of a stylist in a movie only came in the late 90s and the early 2000s? Most of the times, the hero of the film would just wear the clothes he already had at home. That explains Govinda. A lot.
That wasn’t required.
So anyway, I was asked to pick out some horrendous mistakes men make while wearing accessories at work, and although I have no clue about fashion, I do know the difference between looking good, and looking Govinda.
1. That guy in the cafeteria who loves to flash his gold chain.
Very sexxaaay. If that’s what the voice in your head says, then it’s time to button up. It’s not attractive. I’m not going to touch it to see how much it weighs. Women are not going to compare their chains with yours. They will refer to you as a creep though. Again, don’t be that guy. Not sexxaaay.
2. That guy wearing clip-on earrings.
Do you realise that people can actually see you wearing that? It’s not going unnoticed, it never will. If you really want to be that jackass who wears hideous earrings, at least be brave enough and get a real pair. Everybody knows your mother doesn’t allow you to wear them in front of her, which is why it’s just a clip-on. And whoever told you that the 50-rupee plastic stud looks like a diamond deserves a thank-you because he spotted the fool in you before others did. Don’t be that guy! If you’re not allowed to wear a ‘diamond’ stud, don’t wear one!
3. Oh god, please don’t be this guy!
4. That guy who has more rings than fingers!
They feel that wearing these precious stones will extend their lives, ward off evil, make them rich, stop hair loss, make them well informed, become sexy, make them smarter, transform them into Batman, help them lose weight, help them in their career, keep them thin, help with constipation, etc. etc. etc. Don’t be that guy who needs to depend on the stars for anything to happen. It’s your astrologer’s wet dream, but unfortunately not anyone else’s. Avoid.
5. That scrawny guy wearing a gold watch with a dial that’s bigger than his face.
No, please, by all means, be that guy who wears the massive watch. We can’t make out if you’re the employee or the watch. Okay we know you’re rich and successful, we know that’s the biggest and the most expensive iPhone there is in the market but do you really want to look like an expensive hanger?
6. That bhai loving gai!
7. That guy who finds a cap the sexiest thing in a man.
This man generally wears only one kind of cap, and more often than not, it’s the same one. Throughout the year. By the end of 3 months it starts smelling like something really disgusting died. By month six, it loses its colour. By a year nobody wants to be around it, and I’m not even talking about the cap. That guy might be doing it to cover a bald patch. But while the boiled, err, I mean bald, head might actually be hot for some, those caps work for none. Seriously don’t be that guy. That guy just looks like a delivery boy of a start-up that never received any funding.
8. That guy who loves his brooch.
What are you, Prem? The only day you can wear it is on Independence Day, and even then it’s not morally ethical to other people.
9. That guy flaunting the DNKY ‘leather’ belt with panache. Or trying to.
Everybody knows about ‘that belt’. There are many kinds, but the easiest way to spot ‘that belt’ is by asking yourself three simple questions – Does that belt look so bad that you want to whiplash the man wearing it to death? Is that belt too ugly to be even used as a whip? Do you deserve to be banished by all of humanity if you’re ever associated with that belt?
Now that we know how to identify ‘that belt’, don’t be that guy wearing that belt.
10. That token Bengali guy with photochromic glasses.
Do not mean to generalise here when I say this, but there are way too many Bengalis who like photochromic glasses. Now since I’m a Bong myself, let me first clarify that this is not a style statement. Bongs are all about practicality and pragmatism, and while chasing these two, they end up looking like fools. If you have one pair of glasses that becomes a pair of sunglasses in the sun, then how is it bad? Correct. But the problem here is that it ends up becoming neither. They’re just the ‘I-haven’t-made-up-my-mind-yet’ glasses. You know that guy who never gets laid? It’s because of these photochromic glasses.
11. That sales douche who loves to wear pointy shiny shoes.
Or in fact that guy in accounts who wears sports shoes with formals like this gentleman.
C’mon you tell me.
12. That guy whose Ray-Bans can double up as a portable mirror for you.
I’m sure you like that guy in a way. A portable tinted mirror roaming about, there for you whenever you need to take a quick look at yourself. It’s awesome for you, sometimes. But it’s also terribly fake.
13. That guy whose phone covers make you question the existence of mobile phones.
We all have that one donkey who will get the most random, most unusable phone covers for his phone. What’s worse is that most of these covers have been imported from Hong Kong, after that guy’s 4-year-old niece picked it out for him. Do you really want to be in a meeting where that guy answers his phone with this? You do? Really?