Matrimony is funny business in India. Everybody from your chachis to your padoswali aunties will try to match you with random Bittoos and Bablis. “Munda kamata kitna haiga?” (How much does your son earn?) “Ladki ka weight kya hai?” (How much does your daughter weigh?). And when none of the local matchmaking experts are able to help you, you are promoted to Shaadi.com or any other matrimonial website.
We know you are too cool to be on a matrimonial website, but let’s face it, almost everybody single and over 25 finds himself/herself on Shaadi.com, or any other matrimonial site. Like our gender ratio, the number of boys clearly outweighs the number of girls on these sites. We take a look at the types of guys there are on these sites, and attempt to understand why they are not getting laid….correction getting married.
1. The One Whose Parents Manage His Profile
Now this type is the one whose parents have created a matrimonial profile for him, with or without his knowledge. If you ask him if he is on Shaadi, he’d be like, “Dude, no way! It’s just my old folks who keep scouting for bahus.”
2. The One Who Only Wants To Get Laid
Okay, Tinder didn’t help them. Either they are too ugly or the girls were too prudish. This type thinks the best way to get into a woman’s pants is the promise of marriage, period.
3. The Fake Profile
He is too good to be true. He wines in Italy, dines in Germany, and flies to London to have breakfast. He looks stunning – six-pack abs, crisp white shirt that is unbuttoned to show his waxed chest, conditioned hair flowing in the sea breeze as he strikes a handsome pose on his personal yacht in Hawaii. One look at the profile and you know it’s probably a photoshopped picture and a fake profile.
4. The NRI
He has an air of sophistication that comes with having lived abroad for long (sometimes, it comes even after a 2-month internship in University of Honolulu). The hair will be gelled, and the beard trimmed perfectly, and the muscles flexing in the right direction. A decent command over the English language, and a seemingly good sense of humour. This, by far, is the most stylish of the lot. Only if he isn’t posing with his firang friends and making a victory sign with the hands.
5. The Wanna Fraandship Guy
No matter how good looking his profile picture is, or how well-settled he is in his career, his online behavior is enough to drive away the chikas. Every time he sees a woman online, he goes “Hey.” No reply.
“Hey hi.” Girl declines his request.
“Hey why you rejected mah offer?” No response.
“Hey U R beautiful. I want your friend. Baby.” Spam reported.
6. The Fry-Puris-For-Me Brigade
Seriously, this one just needs a cook. And a washing machine. And a housekeeper. He might pretend to be the biggest businessman in his city too. He will boast about his vast ancestral lineage and his big house and bigger family. But he will still want the wife-to-be to fry puris for him while he sits in front of his LCD television sipping kesar sherbet.